Tell Me You Grew Up In A Toxic Environment Without Telling Me You Grew Up In A Toxic Environment

Estimated Total Read Time: 4 Minutes

When I say I grew up in Hawaii most people automatically tap into an image produced through the americanized filtered version of Waikiki and therefore automatically assume my privilege and blessed life. Though I am absolutely aware of my privilege that does not excuse them classifying my life without permission or genuine interest in discovering the truth.

My truth is I grew up in the town where they told you not to go when you got off the plane. I grew up in a paradise ghetto. Due to the civil unrest that still exists in Hawaii on the account of its illegal occupation and overthrow by the United State of Government - no one really cared to focus on the fact that I was having a very unique experience as mixed race kid in the early 90's trying to understand her place in the world as colonization and capitalism slowly pushed indigenous people off of their homes so they could build skyscrapers. They just knew I was different, didn't belong there and harassed me relentlessly for it.

It wasn't just me through. We didn't have a whole lot of gun violence when I was growing up but other (lower grade) weapons were fair game and fighting was a part of how we communicated. In my town a fight could break out at anytime and anyplace. I've seen people fight in the grocery store, at the beach, on campus, in the mall, at a birthday party, the Blockbusters parking lot, at church, in a movie theater...etc. Blood, broken bones, miscarriages. I've seen it all and it honestly it became such a regular occurrence we would just count the casualties and move on so quickly I learned to internalize it, keep my head down and keep it pushin'.

In the midst of all this darkness and violence. How did I survive? Well simultaneously in this place I also had the exact opposite. Some people showed me such great kindness and love. They welcomed me into their families. They didn't care how I got there they embraced that I was there then and allowed me to participate in their customs and shared their culture with me.

I grew up in the Aloha spirit...here in LA we call it "Good Vibes". Spiritualists say it's a higher frequency of how we all connect to one another on an energetic level. I agree with that and expand on it (now that I'm in therapy) to say I believe it's also the ability to expand beyonds ones survived circumstance and to be able to navigate through and out of the states of depression we have been predisposed to.

I learned early on that bad things were happening around me everyday and if I wanted to enjoy the beauty of the world I was going to have to go outside anyway. I choose to overcome daily knowing that when I am present I can influence my future from the highest version of my self. So I continue to grow and develop knowing the tools I gather along the way will help me in my journey and others with theirs.

The TLDR version: Growing up was kinda hard & now I meditate.