Aren’t You A Little Old To Be Gay?

TOTAL READ TIME: About 5 Minutes

As someone who is *newly non-binary I sometimes struggle to articulate the massive amounts relief that breaking the binary and claiming my gender has brought into my life. I had no idea how much of my anxiety was wrapped up in my tireless and most often failed attempts to “be a good woman”.

Anytime before say 2014 - if prompted I probably would have proudly said I was a straight woman. I would have said that with a straight face (pun intended) and I would have totally believed it. Today I find the thought of me claiming such a thing to be absolutely hysterical.

I’m a gender non-conforming non-binary lesbian.

I am not a straight woman and I have never been a straight woman.

Yes I totally thought I was for many year of my life because I had not been aware of another option for me. When I was a teenager social media was JUST starting to become a thing and there were no hashtags I could follow as breadcrumbs to find my people.

I felt so alone.

Even once I did become aware of alternative lifestyles other than my own I took a fall into the propaganda of it all. It as scary to be different and I think deep down inside I just knew I couldn’t handle one more thing making me even more of an outcast than I already felt like I was. I steered clear of all exploration in regards to gender and sexuality for fear of being punished.

Punished? Yes punished. It’s a valid fear! In most societies people operating outside of heteronormativity and traditional gender roles (particularly those with vaginas) are punished and sometimes by literal death.

I think a part of why it took me 3 decades to come out is because I’ve always known what it was like to be discriminated against. It’s typically kind of a built-in preset for someone with my genitalia and melanin level.

Why in the fuck would I willingly put myself in this position? Why would I choose to add even more targets onto myself? Why would I disclose something so dangerous when I had the privilege of keeping it hidden. Yes hot take. I think there are privileges to being able to be hidden. I got to decide when to disclose the truth about my gender and sexuality but I’ve never had that choice with my skin.

I could hide my sexuality and I could lie about my gender but I walk with the skin I’m in every day. I don’t get a choice in that.

But I’m proud of my skin.

The fact that I might die because does not change the fact that it’s still mine and I still love it.

But if given a choice would I have hidden the color of my skin like I hid my sexuality and gender?

Is that what we are doing when we color our hair and wear contacts? Is that what we have to do in order to survive? Is there another option because this all seems like bullshit?

I hope so.

That’s what I’m looking to find and hell if I can’t find it, I’ll create it my damn self.

I’m a little late to the party but the point is I made it and since itt took me a while to get here I don’t plan on leaving!

Now I’m gonna go work out because I deserve a healthy body.

JFS